Paying the Piper

January 2 to February 1, 2019 – Concho Pearl RV Estates, San Angelo, TX

Our bodies, like any car or mechanical device, require periodic maintenance to continue to be serviceable. After all, in the last year we have the changed the oil in Sunny twice, replaced his rear shocks, and gotten him a new set of tires. However, in that same year, neither of us have had any checkups. It’s true, we take better care of our vehicles than we do ourselves.

So while we are living in San Angelo in the motorhome, we decided that these old bodies would benefit with some minor tune-ups from the medical professions. It started off with EJ getting us set up with a life screening traveling group. In our case they were set up in a local church where they provided a menu of medical tests for you to chose from. We chose ultrasounds to see if anything was clogged up, body mass indices to see how fat we had gotten, blood pressure tests to make sure our hearts were still pumping.

It had been over a year since we had our skins checked out so appointments were made to have all our suspicious spots, warts and moles looked at. Fortunately EJ only had one tiny little spot that needed a squirt of liquid nitrogen while I (oh lucky me) had half a dozen spots frozen and a spot of basal cell along with a touch of squamous cell that needed to be operated on. I was a real sight by the time all that was done with.

Oh, but we’re not done yet. My years of loving fried food, adult beverages and large meals seem to be catching up with me. Now gastrointestinal issues are getting in the way of me having a good time. So another doctor visit, this time with a gastro specialist and I end up back in day surgery again.

Frankly I’m not sure they did anything. Oh they made a big show of making me sign papers and explaining things to me. I think everybody on the floor came by to say hi and introduce themselves. I’m sure all that will show up on the hospital bill. When the parade was finally over they squirted a little happy juice into one of the tubes attached to my arm. I woke up 30 minutes later wondering when we were going to started as I had things I wanted to get done back at the motorhome.

Then EJ walks in and tells me it’s all over. Not that I would ever doubt my lovely wife, but I’ve heard this procedure is down right uncomfortable and so far I haven’t felt anybody rooting around in my innards. At this point let’s just call me dubious.

Pretty soon a nurse shows up with some disgusting pictures of body parts and claims they are all of me. I don’t see any identifying marks on the body parts so I’m skeptical. I mean they shove a big honking tube down your throat and run all sorts diabolical instruments down that pipe to take pictures, poke things and carve off  little pieces here and there. I’m expecting some major discomfort. I haven’t even felt a tickle!

But nope, nada, nothing. I don’t know whether to be glad or offended. Have I been hoodwinked? Pretty soon they are making suggestions that this isn’t a hotel and maybe I ought to be moving along. I mean after all, they need that bed for their next victim.

So a week goes by and we enter the next phase of the story. The doctor can’t or won’t give the results of the procedure over the phone. I have to make an appointment and rack up another bill. But the good news is that medically, it’s nothing serious. But personally it’s a catastrophe.  They want me to stop drinking beer! This is major, I’d rather drink beer than drink water. Not only that, they want me to cut back on portion size, carbonated beverages, fried food and trigger foods (whatever that is).

Sigh! They are going to drag me kicking and screaming into a healthy lifestyle. However, the alternative doesn't look very appealing either.

The fun and games aren’t other yet. On February 4th I get to have a colonoscopy. I argued and argued that I’m too old for one and they weren’t having any of it. According to the doctor your should have colonoscopies up into your 80’s.

More on that later.